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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rob Ford Makes Special Appearence In The Simpsons & Shares With Us On How To Get Drunk Without Anyone Knowing

Use a paper bag. As a wise old fictional policeman once said, the invention of the old “booze in a brown paper bag” trick was a great moment in the history of civic compromise. Cops don’t generally want to write you up for public consumption of alcohol, unless those cops are pedantic jerks. Brown-baggin’ your beer allows cops to ignore you and pretend that there could be anything in that paper bag. Oh, sure, they know it’s probably liquor you’re drinking, but as long as you’re discreet, and resist the impulse to write “Liquor Bag” on the paper in Sharpie, then they’ll probably pass you by.
Pour your drink into a different container. Don’t have a paper bag handy? You can still camouflage your drink by pouring it into another, more benign container. Beer looks like apple juice—put it in a Mott’s bottle. Red wine can and often does pass for fruit punch. Vodka and gin are visually indistinguishable from water. Take care to choose wisely, though, because you’ll attract attention if your clear plastic water bottle is filled withpurple drank.
Be quiet. Often, it’s not the public drinking that attracts police attention so much as the subsequent public hooting, hollering, and buffoonery. If you can keep the belching and drunken catcalls to yourself, then your odds of getting pinched will decline dramatically.
Know your location. If you want to get away with drinking in public, then you need to choose a good spot. Look for remote public parks, suburban streets, or other places where the cops are few and far between. Try to refrain from drinking directly outside a precinct house, or while staring directly into a surveillance camera.
Utilize stealth drinking technology. One great benefit of this Age of Digressive Technology is that there are plenty of products that can facilitate surreptitious public drinking. Fill a Camelbak with booze and take a sip any time you’re in need of “hydration.” Confuse the cops by relabeling your beer helmet as a “juice helmet.” Want something even sneakier? This ridiculous company sells inflatable prosthetic breasts and stomachs that you can fill with liquor and sip through a discreet straw. Truly, we are living in the age of miracles.
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